Right now I need some inspiration. With finals here all my fears come to the surface. My fear of failure. Of what will happen if I fail and how it will effect not just me but also my daughter. It is currently trying to consume me. I feel this need to throw in the towel and run as far and as fast as I can….or to just shut down. These feelings are painful, actually feeling these feelings instead of hiding them are even more painful.
These fears with school open the doors for other fears. Can I do this? Can I really do a half marathon? Who am I trying to fool into thinking I can, what do I have to prove? Does anyone believe in me? Will it Matter? These questions can quickly spiral from just uncertainty to complete self doubt. I have often felt in my life that whatever I do either is not good enough or I am expected to fail at by those most important to me. The people who I truly believed did not expect me to fail at my goals are no longer here, my Grandmother and Mother. They were my defenders, my guardians.
Dealing with clinical major depressive disorder has caused me many setbacks in life. While I have always eventually ask for help, It has at times consumed me to the point of causing some major problems in my life. It has lead me to my highest weights, cost me a relationship and had a huge impact on school. I know the things to do to take care of myself but when these feelings come creeping back up sometimes it can be so very hard to do those things. It can be paralyzing, literally. Once again we come back to treating both sides of that coin. If you don’t treat the emotional side of things the physical side wont happen either. We have to feel these feelings that got us here. That is not an easy thing to do at all!
“We can’t help the way we feel, only the way we think and act.”What that meant to her was that your feelings are yours, own them, you are allowed to feel anything. The power we hold is not in the feelings its in our actions and how we let ourselves think about those feelings. Do we choose to act out on our feelings, will that be a good thing or not? Do we allow ourselves to batter our minds with all the negative self talk? It can be a very hard choice but we can stand up for ourselves, to ourselves.
Sometimes I find myself slipping back into those old habits, into the negative self talk and have to fight to bring myself back. I have to be my own champion, which is sometimes easier said than done. What do I fight with? Friends, music, writing, trips, fun time with my daughter…we have to use whatever weapons we have. Lately my biggest weapon against my negative self is writing. Writing heals me. Writing is my sanity. It may not always make sense to other people, and sometimes even to me when I go back and read it but it heals me. Find what heals you.
One of my April #gothedist goals was to write at least 20 days. Im sure you can see by blog post alone I more than covered that. Words comfort me. A good book can take me on a vacation, help me learn about myself or teach me a subject I didn’t know. Writing words gives me release. This does not work for everyone but something will. Find what brings you back to your center.
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
Don’t forget to check out the giveaway going on right now I am running through next week! I also have a few more lined up already so stay tuned.