“Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.”
Warning ..very, very, very long!
Lately I just cant seem to get out of my funk. I have been fighting doing everything I need to do to take care of myself and keep me feeling better...Blogging, working out, reaching out. I feel extremely overwhelmed and stressed out then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I know some is not just from reminders of this time of year but has been because of my lack of discipline with school I am the worlds worst procrastinator if it can be put off I will put it off in fact if its something I really don’t want to do or hate doing I will do another thing that I don’t like doing just to not do the thing that really needs to be done right then I say im working on this but really its just more of a realization that im doing it but still not choosing to go do what I really need to do. I guess that is a very small baby step of progress towards holding me accountable for my own procrastination.
This was only a slight problem until mid October and the realization of my father’s birthday, mother’s birthday and that October was also the month I lost my grandmother when I went into autopilot doing the bare minimum to get by...And I mean bare. This is my coping mechanism whenever I get overwhelmed, depressed, or uncomfortable with my situation. I shut down which in turn just makes things worse in a way self sabotaging life in general. During these times I seek comfort in whatever I can find...Food, tv, sleep. I have a terrible time reaching out for help when I need it. I was raised you don’t need help you can do it on your own...You shouldn’t need help. I was raised by a single mother and grandmother who did not need a man, who was strong and independent and damn anyone who said different. But were they really or was this just a great front they put on. Some of my actions may be learned from childhood but are they the fault of these women who raised me…maybe partially but then again im an adult now and should be responsible for my own actions. I have been fighting this battle my entire adult life and been on an emotional roller coaster that I just cant seem to get off of for years now. The two people I turned to and could count on to listen, tactfully help guide me back on my path and not judge and belittle me who were my cheerleaders without making me feel like they were waiting on me to fail are gone.
Growing up I had so much going on I learned to put up this protective wall to not only keep anyone who might hurt me out but to also hide all the pain. This wall was not just mental it was also physical in the sense that when I got unhappy, scared, sad, uncomfortable I buried all that and built my wall thicker with food. I still do this, I try not to but it is like the drug dealer in the dark alley saying “come on just this one more time, come on, you know it will make you feel better”. And for the moment it does.
I grew up with alcoholic parents and while alcohol has never been my drug of choice… Food is my addiction. Its my fix, my bandaid. I am a constant work in progress..i am better than I used to be…but just not quite there yet. I felt like I was gaining some on this battle until October hit and it has just gone downhill since then. Yes, I do have family and friends that would be there for me but that requires admitting my weakness and letting them in…lowering those walls. Some of these people I resist because of hurt they caused in the past and fear of being hurt again, some its just a matter of overcoming that wall and asking for help. Either way I know all I have to do is ask. I know what I need to do its just a matter of doing it. I have learned many tools that help over the years…journaling, stopping the negative self talk, reaching out for help when I need it ..the last of which is so difficult sometimes for me its almost crippling. All of which at times I fight tooth and nail. My mom had this saying she often used before she passed “you cant help the way you feel, just the way you act and think” meaning that you were allowed to feel anything but your power is in how you choose to act on those thoughts and how you let yourself think about them, including self talk in that thinking.
My problem with that saying is not everyone gets it. If I choose to let my wall down and let someone in they don’t always understand that sometimes I just need to get it out and when I talk, often in these emotional times the filter between my brain and my mouth dosent work. Things just come out, they may not always be the best things or the right things but im not usually looking for a pity party im just venting. With all the health issues I have had in the past several years I have learned that often when people say “How are you?” they really only want to hear that your fine or you are managing they don’t want the truth when you aren’t doing well. And ! if you decide to tell them the truth they either feel sorry for you or think you are on your pity pot just looking for someone to feel sorry for you. I HATE THAT! I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, if you can help GREAT..if not just listen. I have even had some go so far as to think im either lying it just doing it for attention in the past when it came to how I was doing with some of the medical issues I had going on, which in turn pissed me off to no end and I suppose I still hold some resentments towards these accusations. I mean really, are you crazy why in the world would I want to have a major surgery or stab myself every day with needles just for attention..its not fun I promise you.
Another thing I have been doing allot here lately that im sure does not help at all, but cant seem to bring myself to completely stop is talking to my X. I spent 3 years of my life during some very hard times with this man and in the beginning of those hard times he was wonderful but those things we went through ultimately took their toll on the relationship and instead of reaching out for each other we shut down on each other. By the time I had decided it was time to try to fix this we had forgotten how to talk to each other and he was choosing to talk to everyone but me about his version of our problems. While I don’t know that I could ever trust him enough to not leave when the going gets tough again and try to start over with him I also cant completely let him go and stop talking to him. No not in that stalker kinda way, he initiates contact most of the time, even though he is seeing someone else now. Although I was married prior to this guy, I don’t know that I truly knew love before him, but I do know that I did truly love him…and I guess part of me still does. On top of not being able to trust him not to leave I know I don’t want to deal with his lack of ambition in life. I got so tired of him complaining about his situation and how he was stuck in whatever shitty job he had, making plans to do something about it to better himself and then no matter how much I encouraged him never doing anything about it. Everyone always said “oh, he is such a hard worker” and yes when he was on the clock he was but not when it came to working on himself or us. And no I don’t completely blame him for the breakdown of our relationship, but I often got blamed for him not being able to do anything to make these changes even though now that we aren't together he still hasn't done anything.
I am also at fault, it takes two to build and break a relationship. I can remember almost to the day when I shut down on him emotionally. I had spent the past year either in excruciating pain or having surgery to try and relive this pain, the last of which was a total hysterectomy at the age of 26. This poor fella almost immediately after we got to the “I love you” part of our relationship was handed this huge pile of medical problems that suddenly developed with me we later found out was endometriosis. On top of feeling helpless because he couldn’t fix this for me my hormonal swings did not help matters at all, but he was still there and he was wonderful. My last surgery turned out to be more extensive than they had planned so my recovery was a bit longer and as soon as I was ending this recovery period he ended up in the hospital for a week for his chrones disease. But we prevailed. Then a week later my daughter was hospitalized for 4 days when she was diagnosed with diabetes.
For me this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. No matter how hard it was dealing with all my medical stuff ..it was me, I could just do what I needed to do. This was my baby and I couldn’t fix it.(I guess this was maybe how he felt about me huh?) But once again he was there, he was at the hospital for a child that wasn’t his when her own father couldn’t bring it upon himself to drive the 15 minutes to see his first born child in the hospital. He was there learning everything to take care of her when her father just finally got around to this (and is still learning) this past year. This even after him only being a week out of the hospital himself. For this I will be forever grateful and while I don’t know if I could have done it without him this is also when he let me down and I in turn shut down on him. The first month of our new life managing her diabetes I was basically in survival mode and basic training.
When reality hit though that this (her diabetes) was not going away or getting better I went into a downward spiral. At first I just shut everyone but him out, I became so depressed that the only thing literally that was keeping me holding on was the paralyzing fear at the thought of her father raising her if I was not here to do it. I know this hurt him as well, he ask once “what about me?”, but at the time I didn’t care about me much less him...she was my only priority…if I didn’t care about me how was I supposed to care about him. I was not sleeping, almost at all, and did things to myself I never thought I would. The therapist I saw at the time for whatever reason I actually let in and told what was going on in my head came very close to committing me during this time to protect me from myself. My x knew I was having problems and things I had done but his way of helping me was to tell me to “suck it up and get over it”. He also violated my trust during this time breaking into my journal instead of trying to talk to me. Thankfully with the help of my therapist, my doctor and some very strong medications for a little while I was able to get through this but I still closed him out for the most part. This was the beginning of the end of our relationship and I never forgave him for it. We still managed to stay together somehow after all this for another year.
It has now been over a year since we split up and we still talk…is this good or healthy...Probably not. He has worked on himself as I have worked on myself and repeatedly talked of trying things one more time. But he needed to know from me if I thought we could, if it would work and I couldn’t give him a solid answer. Part of me wanted to but part of me said if you can’t take me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Finally he started dating someone else..it’s a very strange relationship but who am I to judge, I truly hope he can be happy with her and she can be what he needs. Yes we still talk..or I should say text. We will go periods...Days, weeks... And not talk but then we start up again. He says his girlfriend knows and doesn’t have a problem with it but I know it is not healthy for us or his current relationship and I need to stop it.
Talking to him is easy, letting go and moving on getting back into the dating world...Not so easy. I miss what we had when it was good but is it him I miss or just that feeling we had when things were good. Maybe its just the time of year and all the holidays coming up knowing I won’t have anyone to share them with at home other than my daughter now that my Dad is gone. Maybe its me just not wanting to completely let him go...you know like the toy you don’t play with anymore but you don’t want anyone else to have either. Maybe its both…maybe I need to grow a set and let him go and say goodbye for the final time.
Wow I’m rambling, I had allot I needed to get out apparently. If your still reading this, Bless you! There really is no point to all of this I just needed to get it out I guess, but I do feel better now. How does this affect my journey to Life off the D list you say… well not dealing with these thoughts and feelings has put a halt to my journey. I have just about completely stopped doing all the things I need to do. Am I ok with this..NO WAY! Who can fix this and get me back on track…only me! This just goes to prove that this is not just a physical but a mental journey as well and I have to continue to work on the inside as well as the outside. Fixing just the outside the problems the inside will still be here and more than likely the new outside will not last..if I even got to my goal, without fixing the inside as well.
Well after some tears, writing and Christmas music its time to get on with my day!
Current weight: 198
Emotion: better than it was 2 hours ago when I started writing
Goals this week: make up with Gym, get back on my water, do what I need to do!
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
P.S.-I currently have comments set to private and I may or may not publish at a later point