Friday, December 31, 2010

Own the NIGHT!!! (and day)




“Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity.”

Bo Bennett

(ok I know this quote is a repeat but it was just that good it needed a second shot)


I love this picture up there, why you ask???  Well besides the fact that its pretty it also fits my 2011 theme. Lately one of my favorite songs is Firework by Katy Perry. I love the line’s where she sings:

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth

For 2011 I want to “own the night”(and day for that matter) and shine. This year I will be turning 30 and I know I'm worth more than I have put into myself these past 29 years. I'm not really into making New Years resolutions because come on , really, who keeps them? 2011 is my year, starting 1/1/11 its time to put me 1st for a while which is something I have a hard time doing. I am a caretaker, I need to help people, but its time to help me.


Looking back on 2010 with the exception of the loss of my Father in June it really wasn’t to bad of a year. I decided to make some changes and I have stuck with them. I quit smoking, I have lost right at 30 lbs and kept it off and I was accepted and started school at UNC Greensboro. That’s some pretty good stuff if you ask me! The weight loss is  not quite where I had hoped it would be by this time but considering what happened in June I can be ok with the fact that I have only maintained the loss I already had from the first half of the year. I have stayed in the 190’s since all that happened and even though it is not a loss it is still progress. Before this year I know that after I lost my Father I would have surely had some gainage happen. (probably some significant gainage) So I can live with just maintaining, but now its time to get back to work!


2011 is going to be about owning who I am and being accountable. If there is something I don’t like, I’m going to work to change it for the better. I still want to keep my goal of doing a half marathon by my birthday (June 14th, feel free to send presents haha jk) even if I have to crawl across the finish line! This means I have 5 months to get it together and get ready for this,maybe less considering there aren't a ton of these around where I live. I also have decided that im going to have some fun while doing this!


Peace, Love and Happy Blogging


Thursday, December 30, 2010

And the winner is…..

Lindsay, Another PriorFatGirl



Lindsay decided to show me up and downed her 64oz of water well before lunch time…where was I you ask? Well I had woken up at 4am not able to sleep and had already drank half of mine before she even got up and decided to lay back down…and that’s when she took the lead! She won by a landslide before I had even woken back up haha! Way to go Lindsay, I hope you had fun with all our trash talking and reaching your water goal today.


Dun..dun..DUN …Now Jen, a priorfatgirl has upped the anti to our little challenge! Here is her Challenge….

H2O Queen of the World Challenge:

For a total of four weeks, track total water intake daily. Each Sunday, email Jen, a priorfatgirl with weekly record. At the end of the 4 weeks, the person who hit a 64ounce/daily goal most will win. Challenge runs from January 2nd through January 29th with the winner announced on January 31′st blog. (Note: this is not amount total ounces consumed but who hit the goal most.)

Winner gets $50 donated to a charity of their choice paid by Jen, a priorfatgirl and the OFFICIAL title of H2O Queen of the World!

Lindsay and I have both ACCEPTED this Challenge! And this time she will go Down!


For today though I will graciously bow down from 5-6pm to our winner Lindsay, Todays H2O Queen of the World and be metaphorically wearing my birthday suit as I run though the streets of Minnesota naked…no pictures please! haha  


Peace, Love and Happy Blogging


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ready to Throw Down!

“Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity.”
Bo Bennett

Ok first things first …the important stuff! Today I enlisted Lindsay Another Prior Fat Girl as my accountability partner and threw down the gauntlet of the H2O Queen of the World challenge to help get myself back on track. Even though I’m going to win anyways here is the challenge….

First person to finish there water goal (64oz) before 5pm wins!
Winner gets the title of H2O Queen of the World from 5-6pm tomorrow
Looser must run naked through the streets of Minnesota (metaphorically anyways cause man its cold there)

Ok…on to other stuff. Its Game ON time, the holidays are over and its time to get serious. Although I continued to play around in the 190’s over the holidays I pretty much maintained…no real loss or gain. It’s time to bust out of this 190 slump and greet the 180’s for the first time in way to long!

For me its not about New Years and resolutions, I mean really who keeps those. It is about LIFE…it’s about achieving what I have set out to do…get healthy, loose weight, do well in school….be a better me. Its time to get busy and maybe have a little fun along the way.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Where does the time go...

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."
Burton Hillis

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays ...I feel about like this picture here, all tangled up with 1000 things I want/need to do. I did finally get a tree up though lol.
For those of you who may be following my #Reverb10 post I am still working on getting caught up. I really enjoy these and want to complete all of them but starting late, getting the stomach flu and now Winter semester at school starting up and adding homework to the mix I am still running a bit behind. I find with this online class and all the family stuff going on I am having to prioritize my time and those arent making it to the top of the list right now. I am backdating them if you want to go back and check them out there is/will be one for each day in December! I am determined to get these done ...its not only great reflecting back on 2010 but also very therapeutic considering some of the things from 2010 in my life. 
I also need to do an update post but that will have to wait as well, this is just a quick hello :)

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Short and Sweet

I have had the stomach flue all week which is finally better except for this blinding headache that refuses to go away. I swear I have not felt that bad in a long time. And certainly not a fun way to loose 6 lbs. in 36 hours.
I'm loving doing the #Reverb10 post and had full intentions of being caught up by now and doing just the daily post (having joined late) but every time I sit down to write this headache starts in worse and my eye's feel like they are about to burst out of my head with razors attached to them. I did however get a few up before I got sick of you want to backtrack and check them out...I predated them so I didnt have a ton of post all the sudden on one day and they would actually be on the day they were for. Be warned though the first one is a bit long.
I hope everyone is enjoying all this crazy weather we are having all over the nation lately, we currently have a nice sheet of ice outside and more falling so im going to once again go take somethng for my head and go curl up to a movie :)

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Oh yea..and an update

I frequently-regularly-often trip while reaching for my high ideals.  Then I giggle, or cry, and get back up.
  ~Erika Harris
As for an update ..these last several weeks I have still been playing around in the 190’s going down almost breaking into the 180’s but not quite and back up now closer to the 200 mark but mostly hanging out around 193-194. Now this is  not where I want to be but considering I pretty much broke it off with Gym mid October until last week among other things I’m ok with this. But now its time to kick 190’s ass to the curb and get back in the rhythm of things before all that yummy holiday food at Christmas is here. I have no excuse now not to go to the gym because now one of my cousin’s has said she will work out with me and we can use her gym at her apartment anytime.

I feel like I have had a slow crawl out of my funk and back into the real world. The end of October and part of November were really hard but surprisingly enough Thanksgiving which I expected to also be hard actually helped me. It just goes to show I need to be around people, family, friends…not sit in my little cave known as my house.

I am still keeping my goal of running a half marathon before my 30th birthday in June even if I have to crawl across the finish line I will do it! I have not found a race I want to do yet, there aren't that many in my area so I may have to branch out a bit but I will find one. And I have told actual people in off line life that I want to do this so I cant back out. This goal has gotten some mixed reviews, some think its awesome and tell me good luck and others have laughed and then remembered they are supposed to be supportive and told me good luck. I know the idea of me doing this for some people is very strange, lets face it I didn’t get to 200 lbs running marathons.

I am also toying with the idea of joining Weight Watchers. Right now I need some more accountability and this seems like it might work but I'm not sure about this whole points thing. I know silly right, being diabetic I am already looking at label's and counting everything, I guess its just the tracking it and keeping up with it part. Also it cost money but you can go to try out a free meeting so I think I may check that out before I make my decision and sign up. I suck at tracking things and writing them down, making list etcetera. At the same time though when I have this discussion in my head I hear Dr.Phil’s voice saying “Well how’s that workin for ya” in regards to what im doing now and clearly its not working…or not working that well anyways.  I guess I could also share my blog with everyone I know IRL, right now only a select few are privileged enough to know I have this. It’s not that im ashamed or embarrassed but sometimes it’s the ones closest to us that judge us the most..or it feels like they do..and I like being pretty open on here and am just not sure im quite ready for my complete public debut. For now I think I prefer the slow leak to the presses lol. I really do this for me not other people but it is nice once in a while to get a nice comment.

Just for fun here is a few pic’s from our snow fall last weekend and all the fun we had playing in it Open-mouthed smile
This is some unusual stuff for Dec. in NC
This kid is so going to get it lol
For some upcoming stuff …I think I may give myself a bike for Christmas..not a crazy expensive one just a normal bike to start out on that I can put some miles in with. I really like the look of the old style bikes that are now called cruisers. I want it just for exercise not for races or trails so I think this would be ok as a starter. Also depending on if I will have my daughter for New Years eve or not there is this really cool 5k at midnight where you get to walk the Tangelwood lights festival that you usually can only drive though I may do. But honestly as cool as this sounds being a single girl and not being able to do anything fun the past 3 NYE if she is at her Dad’s (which is a huge if) you will probably find me out with friends…some really good friends of  mine who have the best local cover band ever are playing one of the larger venues here for NYE. I’m torn I really want to do both but they are 45min’s apart and being its NYE happening at the same time Winking smile. And I would kinda like someone else to go with us but that is not exactly what most people want to do on NYE lol
Ok enough rambling haha…Current goals..kick some 190 ass, get back on my water(seriously people can I count my has no calories in it lol), get some hot dates in with Gym and his twin brother at my cousin’s apartment and focus on mindful eating.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

P.S. check out my new purple hair…I personally love it! Winking smile
Its really dark so in some lights it is hard to see, but some its super purple

I have joined ranks with the Mad Hatter

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”
Albert Einstein 

Just call me Alice…ok not really but I have had this obsession with tea the past week or so. It has been so unusually cold here in North Carolina Hot drinks just make life more bearable. Before the tea I was on a coffee kick that was not headed in a good direction, and when I say coffee I mean the good stuff with some kind of flavored creamer or from Starbucks…and not a little one the big ginormous size. So obviously all those extra calories even if your using the lite versions add up and sometime last week I had this idea what about hot tea!  

So I have always loved hot tea, I grew up drinking it with my grandmother. It was one of our fun things we did that made me feel cool and like a grown up. But admittedly I was stuck in a rut…we always had Earl Grey  for the most part, maybe an occasional green tea so I as an adult just always bought Earl Grey. Good ol’  Earl will always be my favorite, he is loaded with so many fond memories but lets face it on a regular basis Earl gets kinda boring so now I am branching out… yesterday was blueberry(could easily become a new fav!) and today its Chi Holiday Spice. A giant cup, a couple tea bags and some stevia and VOLA yumminess in a cup with no calories! (still trying to decide though if I can count these cups towards my daily water total???)

Ok that covers the tea obsession ramble haha! Now for the Mad part (see also crazy, insane, loony, delusional,out of my mind)…being the good college student I am like all other college students during exam time we all tend to go a little Mad during this part of each term. We reserve the right to also wear pajama’s to class. My exams are over finally and I now have 10 whole days off where I have absolutely nothing that has a deadline for getting done.(this would be almost 4 weeks but I am taking a winter semester class online) During this time in between relaxing I want to work on getting myself back on track…back to doing the things I need and said I was going to do.  Drinking my water, exercising, eating better..taking care of me! I feel like I say this allot but this whole journey is a process and no one is going to get it perfect on the first try and while I do stumble and fall at times there is still progress overall. I am a work in progress and I don’t give up and contrary to what some may say if I say I am going to do something I do it…sometimes it just takes me a bit longer than I anticipated.

Ok ..I seem to be a bit long winded today so I think this Is going to turn into 2 post instead of one …guess this is what happens when you don’t blog for a while.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Community…A Reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 7


“Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important in some respect whether he chooses to be so or not.”
  Nathaniel Hawthorne

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

While new to the whole blogging community in 2010 I was not new to the online community experience. Prior to 2010 I had originally discovered these  little niches  to be quite supportive. In 2008 I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which most people don’t know much about and don’t even know someone that has it and may have never even heard about it. It’s a difficult disease to understand so it was wonderful to find people who actually knew what I was talking about and understood what I was going through. I again sought out an online support community when I found out my daughter was diagnosed with diabetes. Here I found Children with Diabetes (CWD) which has since been my saving grace and sanity at times. Again the parents here got it and while I no longer participate in the endometriosis groups I am still very active in the diabetes communities. Both of which have resulted in some very good real life friends.

That being said I had never really though about an online weightloss community or blogging period for that matter. In July of this year Heidi and I were talking and she introduced me to Jen’s blog over at Prior Fat Girl. She also suggested we start a co-blog together to help hold ourselves accountable and give some support in our goals to have healthier lives. While it seems that it may not have been the thing for Heidi (who knows maybe she will come back to join us at a later point in time) I fell right in step and loved the blogging family I had found. Everyone (well most) is so supportive. We are all working towards the same common goal of finding a healthier self. There is defiantly a difference between bloggers and blog readers for sure. Being a blogger is allot of work if you want actual traffic and an up to date blog…but your blog is your own and you can run it like you want, update when you want, say what you want so in the end its only as much work as you want it to be.

For 2011 I want to continue on in the communities I participate in now but I also want to start  participating more in my school community. I don’t mean just by going to class and doing my homework, I want to get involved in the activities that go on on campus as well as some of the service opportunities.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #Reverb10 post
One word, Writing, Moments, Wonder, Letting Go , Make

Monday, December 6, 2010

Make…A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 6
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
George Bernard Shaw

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

For those of you who don’t know my daughter on top of having diabetes also has Celiac which is a wheat/gluten allergy. So for thanksgiving this year I decided to make a gluten free (GF)cake to take so that she could have dessert with everyone else. I also made gluten free sausage balls but the cake was the big attempt. GF sweets are usually pretty good and go unnoticed by even the non GF people and just pass as yummy. So off I go to make this cake forgetting that GF breads don’t rise like normal breads. This was my first problem…so off I go mixing up the cake, flowering the pan and splitting it into two round cake pans like I would normally do. Because it dosent rise I ended up with two cake layers that looked more like a thick pancake. This simply would not do! Yes I could have iced those bad boys and just took a short looking cake but I had my Dad’s cakes to live up to. A cake was always what he brought and being the first Thanksgiving without him I felt the need to fill this space. So I had to get creative Winking smile I also had a brownie mix in the cabinet that I decided to whip up last minuet so I could get some normal height out of my cake!  It still looked a little funny in the end but tasted pretty yummy (the brownie mix was a turtle one with caramel). Two chocolate cake layers with a turtle brownie layer in the middle and cream cheese icing…YUMMO!

The lesson here… first remember when baking GF goodies, they DO NOT  rise haha…second a little frosting can make anything look pretty Nyah-Nyah

Another thing that I made in 2010 was an art journal. If your not quite sure what an art journal is basicly its still just a journal except that you want to make sure you get one with some study paper so that it can take whatever you put in it. Instead of just writing, you create! There is no right or wrong, its just an artistic outlet that you may or may not choose to share. You can stamp, draw, paint, cut, past…whatever inspires you. And if you don’t like it guess what you can cover the page and start all over again.

My Aunt actually got both my daughter and myself into this after my Father passed away and it turned out to be one of the most therapeutic tools to help get all those emotions out. She blogs about hers often over at Unwritten among other amazing things she creates. I hope to do more of this in 2011 among some other creative things. (If you want to try this these moleskin journals work great and Barnes and noble sells them too..the sketchbook paper works best)

I have always love creating art but seldom make time for it. Like many other things that help me be a better me I don’t make time for. So one of my goals for 2011 is to “create” more me time…not in a selfish way but in a doing things that make me a better me way.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #Reverb10 post
One word, Writing, Moments, Wonder, Letting Go .

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Letting Go….A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 5

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Havelock Ellis


For me 2010 has been more about Who and not what when it comes to letting go. As I already mentioned I lost my Father in June of 2010 but since I  have already talked about that some in my first #Reverb10 Ill move on to the other person I have worked on Letting go this year.

In 2009 the end came to a 3 year engagement with my X. Allot had gone on as with all relationships and it was not any one persons fault …and of course as with most breakups it was not handled as well as it could have been, but lets face it when are breakup’s ever easy. Why am I talking about this a year and a half later, well until recently although separate we still talked often as friends. With out all the dirty details talk came and went about the possibility of giving it another try but I could never commit to it. I don’t know that I could ever trust him not to run again when the going got tough. Eventually he started to date some one, but still contacted me. I let this go on for a while, he was comforting, he knew me, it was easy to let him comfort me after all that happened in 2010 with my Father and a few other things. Still though this didn’t sit right with me, he would say things that I know if I was his girl friend I would have a problem with which I eventually called him out on and he apologized. I know that more than likely If I called him up and said ok lets give it a try right now he would leave her but that’s also not right and not what I want or need. As wonderful as he was during some really hard times he is no longer the man I loved or what I need in a relationship, I just missed what was when it was good. It is amazing after the dust settles how much of the good you remember and how some of the bad fades away.

About a month ago I made the decision that our “friendship” was not benefiting anyone. It certainly was not helping me move on in my life and his actions could not be good for his new relationship in any way. I made the decision to finally let him go completely and move on, I deleted him off my messenger, my phone…everything. I didn’t have any discussion with him about it, I just cut ties. I believe it is the best for both of us. I have heard from him a couple times via text message since then but have yet to respond and deleted both messages so I still do not have his number stored.

Why is this important, why do you need to know my relationship history …well this is part of letting go of the past and negative things in my life. Without letting go of things or people like this I cant move on. I cant become a better me tethered to my past. No its not always necessary to end all ties with your past, but in this case at least for a while it was for me. It’s not just about him specifically though, it is also about letting go of negative self images I developed while I was with him. It is about starting fresh, finding a new self.
For 2011 I want to really work on letting go of bad habits like my superior skills as a procrastinator. (Seriously I could win medals in this) I want to let go of bad eating habits and stick with new ones that will help me be a better me. I want to let go of all the negative things and people that keep me from where I want to go on this journey.

What do you want to Let go of in 2011?

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #Reverb10 post
One word, Writing, Moments, Wonder

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Wonder….A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 4

“A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement.  It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood.”
Rachel Carson

Wonder, How did you cultivate a sense of wonder this year?
That beautiful smile right up there you see is how I keep my sense of wonder every day. There is nothing more beautiful that to see a child discover something for the first time. Children live in the moment, letting go of the past quickly and waiting in anticipation for what is new and exciting. She is my daily reminder of how wonderful life really is no matter what awful thing might be going on at that moment. Some days I just stare in awe at how wonderful she is and think how lucky I am. Yes, yes I know im biased and most parents say this but truly as far as kids go in general she is one of the good ones. Always so as can caring for others. I am proud to have had a part in this wonderful little girl and the woman she will one day become.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #Reverb10 post
One word, Writing, Moments

Friday, December 3, 2010

Moment…A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 3

Where I ran that day

“Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away. “

What is a moment that made you feel the most alive this year? For me one of those moments was the day I started running in October. That little voice had been whispering to me again saying...” You could be a runner!”. I have always been in love with the idea of running, but had just decided that was something I wasn’t good at so I could never be a runner. I had recently decided to sign up for the JDRF Walk for a Cure in our area. I figured if I could do 3 miles at the gym on a machine surely I could at least walk a 5k.  Around this time I also had discovered pod cast and been listening to Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone. One episode was about running and again that little voice started in saying “what if you could run a 5k”. Now this statement kinda scared me a little…but what if I could! They had talked about a training schedule that is offered on there website to work up to running a 5k in 8 weeks. I just had to check it out. It looked do-able so I decided maybe I can do this.

After my run

The first morning I started out it was a cool morning but off I went anyways. I couldn’t believe how alive it made me feel. No, it wasn’t easy but it still felt wonderful. That feeling lasted all day, I had energy all day. I couldn’t believe it and I thought now this feeling I could get addicted to.

Much later that day, Still feeling awesome!

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #Reverb10 post
One word, Writing

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Writing …A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 2

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.”
Richard Wright

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Writing for me is very therapeutic although I don’t do it daily…I should. I do not consider myself a writer, what I write is for me, and now that some of it gets blogged if it helps someone else(or actually makes some sense) then great. If not..It helped me.

Writing for me is like a workout for the mind. I am usually the reason I don’t write everyday, especially now that I blog. When It comes to my blog there is usually either one of 2 reasons I don’t write that day. Either I don’t feel like I have anything to say that day or I am avoiding it because I don’t want to admit whatever it is that day to myself and make it a reality. Of course I can change this but like all things I need to do to take care of me I am stubborn and I fight doing them… I just don’t make time to do them.

What is writing to you, why do you write?

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

Other #reverb10 post

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

One Word ..A reflection on 2010

#Reverb10 December 1st
Ok so I joined #Reverb10 a little late and I have some catching up to do, but here is Dec. 1st topic

Fin: French for “finished” or “the end”

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Winston Churchill

My word for 2010 is Fin. I am choosing Fin instead of finished or end because, well it is prettier. The end does not always have to be a bad thing and it often signals the start of a new beginning as well.

2010 had lots of endings for me but the most life altering was the loss of my father, but lets start at the beginning.

At the end of 2009 I heard this quiet little voice talking to me saying lets make some changes. It kinda hid in the background lingering but not being too pushy. This little voice said hey what about if we take a fitness class next semester at school, that would be fun right, lets see what they are offering. This led to me signing up for a swimming for fitness class spring semester of 2010. Crazy right who wants to swim in January in the freezing cold! Thankfully the pool was inside Winking smile. This class was so much fun and because it was for credit and a grade I couldn’t just not show up. When I started this class, although a good swimmer(read I knew how to swim well) It was a struggle to swim one length of the pool and not feel like I needed an oxygen tank. I was also still smoking at this point around a pack a day, which im sure was NOT helping. I progressed though and got up to swimming between half a mile to a FULL mile 2 to 3 times a week. A FULL Mile! I was so proud I did this. If you have never tried swimming laps for exercise or distance a mile swimming seems like a whole lot further than walking or running a mile. I also lost about 25 pounds during all this and realized for the first time ever doing regular exercise in my life that it DOES actually make you feel better. Who knew right?

This also led to another end…that little voice was whispering to me again. It said “Hey if we quit smoking this would be so much easier and it would be good for us”. I played around with this the first few months. I would cut back, run out and say I wasn’t going to get more and make it a few days. Inevitably I would end up over at my Dad’s, he was a chain smoker, and end up smoking again. Was this his fault, no, but it did not make it easy. Sometime in April I got serious and talked to my Doctor about it and started on chantex. Now although I was taking chantex I still had not really picked a quit date.  I did get back to the point where I said ok after this pack that’s it! Well the day said pack was going to run out I also had an appointment with my Endo and for whatever reason when he started fussing at me about smoking instead of just telling him I was trying I told him that was actually my quit date, and it was. May 17th I officially became a non-smoker. (except for 10 cigarettes I choose not to count that I had a month later)

So far 2010 was going pretty well for me. I had lost 25 lbs., quit smoking and now had 2 successful semesters under my belt at school. I also found out I had just gotten accepted at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. This is when my world fell apart.

On June 5th I went to pick my father up to attend a family event, little did I know this would be the last time I saw him alive. When I arrived to get him he did not look good at all, but with him it was sometimes hard to tell if this was him really not doing well or if he had just been up all night drinking(he was an alcoholic). I remember being so so very angry with him and his failing health and refusal to take care of himself I just kinda lost it. My last words to him, although coming from love, were yelling at him. I basically told him that I was tired of it and if he didn’t start taking care of himself I was going to come in there one day and find him dead in the floor. Looking back I recognize the look I had seen in his face that night and think I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I had seen that look to many times before when I lost both my Grandmother’s and my Mother and this look scared the hell out of me. If you have ever been around anyone who is about to pass away you know this look they get in their eyes. Little did I know that is exactly what would happen the next day, except that instead of me my aunt would find him.
I was completely unprepared to deal with this emotionally(not that anyone is prepared when it comes to death). Until about 2 years ago I basically had no relationship with my father.  He was not a constant in my life and until 2 years ago had never been. The reason this changed is because I moved about 5 minuets from where he lived and we began repairing the relationship we had never really had before. I say I was unprepared because I was not used to caring about him and this gave me allot of anger over the fact that I had finally gotten a relationship with him only to loose him forever. For the year or so prior to his death I had not only become his daughter and friend but also his home health care provider. I did more for him that last year than I did for myself. I cooked, cleaned, paid his bills, took care of all his medication, doctors appointments, shopping…everything. Most of my time when I was not in class or at home sleeping I was taking care of or doing something for him. It was a very hard adjustment after he was gone having all this time I didn’t know what to do with.

Although I miss him, his passing was also a blessing in disguise. More obviously it meant that he did not have to suffer any longer and be in pain. But it also meant that I had all that time I spent on him to focus on school. Being at a community college compared to  a university is a whole other beast. My grades had already slipped some that last semester before he passed and I honestly do not know that I would be able to care for him and keep up with the work load required at University level. This still does not make it any easier or me miss him any less.

On to brighter things…

2010 was also an end to not being accountable, to not reaching my goals. I was going to start holding myself accountable and keep my goals in sight! One of my biggest goals that happened that I never thought I was capable of in the past and I had let go of almost 10 years ago was actually attending a University. I was accepted and started at UNCG in August. I also decided to take control of my life and my health. I decided I was going to utilize my resources at school and get my but in the gym. I was going to quit hidding behind food…and so became Life Off the D List and that little voice that was a whisper turning into a loud roar!

Oh, I almost forgot..2011! What do I want my word for 2011 to be: Runner! June 14, 2011 I will be turning 30 and my goal is to run a half marathon before then. I would also like to run a full marathon before the end of 2011.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
ps..sorry im a bit long winded lately and thank you if you made it to the end
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