Saturday, March 26, 2011

10..29..24..200+…Today

Conclusion…If you have stuck through all 6,000+ words in this series of post God bless you. They were more for me than you but I posted them anyways, hopefully they can help someone else

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Yesterday I had my appointment. It went well, I had a lot of anxiety the morning before and cried buckets during but it went well. It was exhausting. It is so hard asking for help sometimes. I like the lady I will be working with…she defiantly thinks going back on medication would be a good thing for me and has set me up next week to speak with the psychiatrist for this. She is also going to talk to her before hand so that I don’t have to completely go over everything again with her. We have another appointment set up for a therapy session in two weeks. Due to the reaction I was having talking with the other lady a few months ago we decided that it would be better to go bi-weekly instead of weekly so that I have more of a break in-between. I am a strong believer in therapy if you go in there open. It’s not easy and can be very painful but I know it can help. You get what you put into it but its in no way, shape or form a quick fix…even with medication. You cant just do medication either. They are meant to work together.I have not started any meds yet and yesterday's session was exhausting.It left me feeling very drained, thankfully my daughter for once is having a weekend at her dad's so I laid down for a nap at 5pm yesterday and ended up waking up around 11 eating some soup and going back to sleep until about 6:30 this morning.(and obviously decided I needed to do some writing lol)

This journey is at times more a mental one than a physical one. There is a reason we choose to over eat and hide within our bodies. If you don’t fix why you ended up this way in the first place and deal with those demons while you may have some success you will not keep it.

I think I have given everyone enough to read for today so I will stop. Some of these thoughts have consumed me lately and letting them all out has defiantly lifted some weight off my shoulders.

For now I am going to focus less on the weight loss part of my journey and more on the emotional part. If I feel like going to the gym I will, if not that will be ok too. For now.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

10..29..24..200+..Part IV

Part IV….Again bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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My Father and Daughter the summer before he passed

Just before my 29th birthday once again my world fell apart. My father had been in failing health for some time, he had quit working and gone on disability not quite 2 years ago and for the past year my role in his life had grown from almost nothing to a friendship and eventually also his caretaker. I cooked, cleaned, managed his medications, shopped took him to most of his doctor’s appointments, everything. He never did quit drinking so sometimes it was hard to tell if he was really sick or in need of help or if he was just drunk. He got where he could hardly walk and he was having trouble with his bowels as well. On June 6th he was found in his kitchen floor by my aunt. He had passed away sometime the night before. Alone.

I was the last person to see him. We had family vacation planned for my entire family on my fathers side, all 40+ of us. I had gone over to his house to pick him up for a meeting with everyone to talk about the trip. When I walked in I knew he was having trouble but I figured he was just drunk. I fixed his nebulizer for him, yelled at him some about his drinking telling him that “if he didn’t start taking care of himself I was going to come in there one day and find him dead in the floor”. I stormed out of the house after yelling at him and left. I was so overwhelmed taking care of him I just couldn’t do it that day, I remember thinking if he needs help he has a phone he can call and ask for it. I didn’t know he wouldn’t be able to. I got to the family gathering and talked to my Aunts about this, one of which agreed to go check on him after church the next day. She found him. I turned 29 a week later.

I had to sign my second death certificate and had now lost both my parents. As soon as I had finally gotten relationships with them both I had lost them. I was pissed off and scared. My father’s death has been so much harder to deal with than that of my Mother or my Grandmother because even though he was in very bad health there was no time before hand where I knew for sure it was coming and could prepare myself.  It was not fair. My head knows that it was coming anyways and more than likely even if I had been there there was nothing I could have done. My heart doesn't. My heart says why didn’t you call an ambulance at least he wouldn’t have been alone. My heart remembers that look on his face and the last words of me yelling at him. My head knows that he knew it was out of love and wanting him to take care of himself. My heart hurts.

Since his death I have had up’s and downs this last year. October what extremely hard. October is when my Grandmother passed, His birthday is as well as my Mother’s birthday. The holidays came after that which actually helped because I got to have more time around everyone. School started back but I felt as the stress of the semester increased the anxiety and depression creeping back. I had to attend 3 sessions with a grad student in psychology for one of my classes which instead of helping seemed to open a flood gate.  I was this person’s first patient ever. The first session went good but it took me a couple days to recover from. This continued with each session and by the third session I was not only experiencing after effects but also anxiety days before. These were weekly sessions so  this was leaving me with only a couple days not a complete mess. I decided that it was best for me to end these sessions and maybe revisit the idea of therapy when I was not in the middle of a semester.

This helped for a couple weeks. The stress of school was not helping but I cant just not go. I have gotten back to the point where my depression some days is scary and my anxiety is through the roof. I am not sleeping. While I am not to the point of considering suicide again I can see glimpses of that dark place I ended up three years ago and I do NOT want to go there again. I have surpassed the 200 mark in my weight loss journey again and gained back almost half of what I have lost. I made an appointment with a new practice that can provide me with therapy as well as help me if I needed to go on medications again(which I was pretty sure I did at this point). Within a few hours of making this appointment, just having ask for help I felt a sense of relief.


conclusion…Today…continued in next post
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

10..29..24..200+..Part III

Part III….Again bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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New Years Eve 2007

Things finally seemed to be returning to normal. It Is  now 2008 and I have finished my recovery and am ready to go back to school. Two weeks before I  was scheduled to go back the man who had been there so much for me needed me to be there for him. He was hospitalized with a flair up from his chrones disease. A few days after he was released I started school back. I made it a whole week and a half before once again my whole world crashed in. My daughter had been having stomach pains I had taken her to the doctor for several times. The were finally sending her to a pediatric gastroenterologist. We were given an appointment for 2 weeks later but that next day her pain was so bad her doctor had us just take her through the emergency room so that they could do an immediate full work up on her. We sat for four hours waiting to be seen with her in pain. When they finally got us back we had to papoose and restrain her just so they could draw blood. It took three of us. This was not the worst of it. Her blood work came back showing that she had extremely elevated blood glucose. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and admitted to the hospital.

We spent four days in the hospital receiving a crash course in diabetes while they tried to regulate her sugar.  My fiancée was there for everything. He learned everything. This hurt him as much as it did me. Her father nor any of his family came to see her the entire time she was in the hospital. They only lived 20 minuets away.
Taking her home was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I literally had  her life in my hands 24 hours a day. If I messed up this could cost her her life. It was so much easier dealing with everything when I was the sick one and could just do what I had to do. This was my baby and I couldn’t fix it. This was my breaking point.

Over the next couple months while learning everything I could to take care of my child I fell into the deepest depression of my life. I had serious thoughts of suicide. I cut myself. I began shutting everyone out. They almost committed me. The only thing that was keeping me holding on was the thought of leaving my daughter alone and her being raised by her father. They finally put me on mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I was already on.  This finally numbed me enough that I could deal with what was happening and adjust to our new life. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my fiancée. During this depression in a talk with him about my feelings he told me I needed to “suck it up and just get over it”. This is when looking back I realize I shut him out completely. I am now 27.

As my depression got better things between us got better for a short time. Eleven months later I was diagnosed with diabetes as well. I had randomly decided to check my sugar and it was just over 200. I checked it a few more times over the next week and made an appointment with my doctor. Because I was 27 and overweight I was originally diagnosed with type 2 which since has been changed to type 1.

2009 was not looking good for our relationship so far. In may he was hospitalized again for his Chrones and transferred to Chapel Hill for surgery. He had 14 inches removed from his small intestine. We had lost each other to the point that when I would drive 2 hours each way every day to be with him in the hospital he felt like the only reason I did it was to get out of work, not for him, that I didn’t care for him anymore. I still desperately loved him, I just didn’t know how to show him anymore or how to communicate. I went because he was there for me and I felt I owed it to him and because I was scared to death that he would die…and I still loved him. Two months later he left. I had just turned 28.

Before he left I was so unhappy I had wanted to ask him to leave but had not worked up the nerve yet. I still had some hope that maybe we could work on things and get back to where we were. While him leaving suddenly crushed me I also felt relieved. After he left I found out he had been talking to everyone we knew, family and friends, for almost 6 months about leaving. He had not talked to me about it. He just came home one day in what I thought was just a very bad mood. I left to go to the store, came home and was in the process of telling him where I was going to put the extra drinks I had gotten him when he suddenly said “I don’t know why you got those I wont be here, I’m leaving my sister is coming to get me, I’m moving out tomorrow.” After he left and some tears I packed all of his things. Not in that throw it on the front lawn kinda way or destroy it but I neatly went through everything and had it ready. I did not want him here for hours going through everything potentially ending like the volatile, sudden, last minuet moves I had experienced with my mother growing up. I did not hate  him, I understood his wanting out. The part that hurt was the feeling of betrayal that came from him talking to everyone we knew but me and just leaving when it got hard instead of fighting for what we had.

Again I had a new normal. I adjusted. Things got better.   I started back to school again with a determination to finish this time. I had wanted to do this before but he did not want me to go back to school. After the many, many major changes I had I finally knew what I wanted to do. What kind of job I wanted. I wanted to become a certified diabetes educator. Was this going to be easy, no way. Was it going to be quick, nope. But finally I was ready. No matter how much hard work it took. My first semester back were the best my grades I had ever had…and finally I was not sick while trying to go to school. I could do this!

Part IV ….continued in next post
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

10..29..24..200+… Part II

Part II…Again bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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My Daughter and I

The feeling of peace that came with my new apartment I moved into with my daughter was the best feeling in the world! The next couple years were some of the best of my life so far. I got to have friends again. I got to go out and enjoy myself. During this time he was trying to impress his new girlfriend with how great of a Dad he was so my daughter went to his house most weekends, although it turns out it was primarily his mother and said new girlfriend who were actually caring for her. I let her go in hopes still yet that he might become the father I would want for her. These 2 years were the calmest of my life. My relationship continued to grow with my mother. By the time she passed away after surviving and fighting cancer for 7 years we had one of the best relationships I could have ever hoped for. As odd as it sounds her cancer was a gift. Had she not gotten sick she may have never started working on healing herself and in return healing our relationship. Her cancer is bittersweet because ultimately It is what took her from me, but it is also what gave her back to me. I had just turned 23.

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Some of the best Friends in the world

By this point I had gained some of the greatest friends I could ask for. My friends were my family, they were the sisters I never had. They are the reason I survived this loss. The depression had come back and with it I had a new friend, anxiety. I found out about my mothers death while I was at work and the first day I tried to go back I broke out in hives and had a panic attack.

Things eventually returned back to normal or a new normal anyways. I had a new job that I loved and in the beginning had amazing pay. I could live quite comfortably in my little 2 bedroom apartment, take care of my daughter and afford to do just about anything I wanted living off of just over three grand a month. (man I miss those paychecks) This didn’t last long, the paychecks dwindled and the company was quickly going under. I decided to go back to school and began working part time and eventually became a full time student. This was not my first go attempting college. I also did not realize but this is also when I started getting sick but we will come back to that in a bit.

Shortly after this I met a man that scared the hell out of me(but in a good way). We began talking and I tried not to like him and just think of him as a friend. I was not looking for a serious relationship and felt I did not have time for one with school and my daughter. I couldn’t not not talk to him and finally gave in resisting myself and began a relationship with him. He was everything I could have ask for then. He was a hard worker, he didn’t mind that I had a child and was understanding about her father, he loved me unconditionally and wanted to take care of me. Imagine that someone who actually wanted to care for me and not just me caring for them. Poor fella didn’t know what he had gotten himself into, and at this point neither did I. I was 25.

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Me and my X

We fell deeply, madly in love. While I don’t think I truly loved my ex-husband, this man I know I loved. This is when my life was forever changed. Just after we had reached the I love you stage life came crashing in and I got sick. I was having this unexplainable pain …allot. I was exhausted all the time. I went to the doctor several times with no conclusive answers so finally they began running test that still didn’t show much else other than hypothyroidism. My primary care physician thought that I probably had endometriosis but there was not way to confirm that without surgery.

These problems had actually started long before this but endometriosis is a very sneaky little disease. I had problems after my daughter was born but they had settled down eventually after trying about every birth control on the market. A year before I had pain that they thought was my body rejecting an IUD that was not even a year old(they are made to last 5-10 years depending on what kind). After removing the IUD things were better for a while until the late fall of 2006 when the problems intensified again. It was more than just pain, I was fatigued all the time, I had insomnia, my stomach was always upset, test showed that I was in premature ovarian failure. I was seeing 4 doctors and up to 11 medications that I was on daily not including pain med’s by spring of 2007. My gynecologist agreed to a laparoscopy to confirm endometriosis and if necessary remove any endo and adhesions he found. After surgery I was told I did have endo and that I had so many adhesions that it looked like a spider web behind my uterus.  This was 2 weeks after my 26th birthday.

For about a month after my surgery I felt 1,000 better but quickly started feeling pain and symptoms again. This was not right, I should not be feelign like this. I was having migraines during this time so severe that I ended up several times in the emergency room. Within four months my pain had returned and intensified so much that I literally had trouble walking some days. I was living on pain pills most days. Because of my parents problems with addiction I had an aunt question the reality and severity of my pain and If I was becoming addicted to the medications. This was not the case. It came to the point where my only options were to either try this extremely dangerous and expensive drug injection or to have a hysterectomy.  I was already on a milder version in pill form that was not working and making me very sick at the same time. I decided that the risks involved with the injected version of this medication were not worth it and made the decision to have a total hysterectomy. My surgery was scheduled for November 8, 2007. I was 26.

My surgery was much more extensive than expected. Everything that was removed in June and more had grown back despite being on medications that should have prevented or slowed down this growth. I was in the hospital for 4 days and given a 12 week recovery time. During this time my depression came back as well. My hormones were all over the place after being thrown into surgical menopause. But still during all of this my fiancée stayed, he took care of me, of my daughter…I could not have ask more of him. For this I will be forever grateful. During this time I ask him more than once why he was still there. I could not understand it, it was to much for me and I wanted not to have to deal with it and he could choose not to. I waited for him to decide it was to much and leave but he never did.

Part III can be found in the next post….
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

10..29..24..200+… Part I

Bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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My Mother, Grandmother, Aunt and Daughter

Over the past 10 years I have suffered from depression more than I care to admit. But really it goes back 29 years. Growing up raised by an alcoholic single mother did  not afford me the luxury expressing my feelings or of learning coping mechanisms. My coping mechanism was to shut down emotionally and when that was not enough to call my Grandmother. There were more times than I can count where my Grandmother, who was a 4th grade teacher and had to be at work at 7am the next morning, drove 40 minutes to pick me up at midnight or 1am because I was alone and scared and my mother was still at the bar. Those nights were some of the only ones that I showed my fears and even then it was not talked about. My parents separated when I was five years old because my father was also an alcoholic. My Grandmother, although married twice, was single my entire life. I grew up learning the unspoken rule that if you needed something you did it yourself, you didn’t need help from anyone.

This system worked pretty well into my teenage years. My Grandmother came to protect me during the worst of my Mothers drinking giving me solace at her home many, many times although never permanently.  Even after my Mother became Sober when I was in 8th Grade she was still my saving grace. While my Mom may have been sober at this point her choice in men still had not changed. She ended up marrying a man she met in AA who’s drug of choice was not just alcohol but also crack-cocaine. She married this man even after going through several relapses with him(his relapse not hers). During this time my Grandmother, the one person who saved me from living in that kind of situation retired and decided to move 3 hours away. I had just turned 16.
This meant I had to live there with my mother and my new stepfather. This is also when my mother got sick. The week before Christmas 1997 she was hospitalized and diagnosed with ovarian cancer and given only 6 months to live. At this point they had also started a business that I now had to help run while also trying to attend school and working 40 hours a week at a grocery store. Work and their business won and I was failing my senior year. I had to work and I had to help run their business, I was exhausted. I dropped out of school.
My stepfather relapsed several times again as well. Their relationship ended when my mother finally decided to put her health before him and he relapsed once again. The last time I saw this man he was screaming at the top of his lungs threatening to kill my Mother and myself while trying to throw a charcoal grill at me as I got in my car and pulled out of the driveway.  I was 17. This meant I had nowhere to live.

I ended up living with my uncle for a few months until I was able to find a job. I had also met my ex-husband just before all of this happened. He was the first guy to ever really pay me any attention. I thought I was madly in love. Once I started working I found a place of my own to live. After telling my then fiancée (now ex-husband) this I received a very excited phone call from him telling me he was going to quit school so that he could go to work full time and move in with me to help with the bills. I had not ask for this and my reaction was “Do your parents know about this?!?”. I did not want this but could not bring myself to tell him this. I desperately wanted “MY” place, but I also did not want to loose him.

Going back I would not change this….this was also the beginning of a relationship with my Mother. After getting sick and leaving my step-father she had finally begun doing some serious work on herself. She helped us get moved in. She helped Me plan our wedding. We got married. I was 19.

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My Wedding

When I found out I was pregnant 2 months after our wedding she helped me through my pregnancy and the delivery of my daughter. She helped me through my post partum depression. I was 20. My marriage was a bad joke.

Before I got married we were having some problems but I remember thinking “well he is just nervous because we are getting married”, after we got married I thought “well he is just nervous because we are having a baby”, after the birth of our daughter I thought “well he is just nervous because we just had a baby”. Things never changed he became more and more distant. I finally realized things weren't going to get better, he was never going to be what I needed. We tried counseling or should I say I tried and he reluctantly went a few times the last of which the therapist called him out and said that he was not taking this seriously. He never went back. I later found out that this is also when he had begun seeing someone else. I knew he was cheating on me. When the man you have been in a relationship with who no longer took care of himself appearance wise suddenly starts shaving regularly, wearing   nice clothes again and is home less and less its pretty damn obvious. I tried telling his mother this and she told me I was imaging things, there is no way he would do that. We began talking about separating. This is also when my Grandmother passed away from breast cancer. Shortly after this just before his birthday he came home one day told me that he had met someone and ask me if he could go out on a date. I told him yes. This was the week before my 21’st birthday.

It was not so much that he was seeing someone else, we were ending,  it was more that he did not have enough respect for me to wait until after we separated to start seeing someone. My ex-husband was a coward, when we got engaged his sister told his parents, when we got pregnant I had to tell his parents and once again when we were getting divorced I had to tell them. A month later we signed papers and a week after that I went on vacation with our daughter and his entire family. This vacation had been planned for more than 6 months. His family still loved me and there was no way he was taking my 2 year old more than four hours away without me. He had not changed more than a handful of diapers (literally)  or fed her more than a few times in her life. Strange I know. We were stuck sleeping in the same bed and I tell you that was the smallest queen sized bed that ever existed, It may as well have been a toddlers bed, we could not sleep closest to the edge. Avoidance was the world of the week. A week after this vacation I moved out. I was 21.

I warned you I could be long winded, therefore I am breaking this up….
Part II will be in the next post

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

Words…

 

Early this morning while catching up on some of my favorite blogs after reading a very emotional post from Tara at A life changing journey this song was left in the comments. I have never heard this song before but these words were exactly what I needed to read/hear right now…

Holly Cole, Cry if you want to

Cry if you want to
I won’t tell you not to.
I won’t try to cheer you up,
I’ll just be here if you want me.

It’s no use in keeping a stiff upper lip,
You can weep, you can sleep
You can loosen your grip.
You can frown, you can drown
And go down with the ship.
You can cry if you want to.

Don’t ever apologize venting your pain,
Its something to me you don’t need to explain.
I don’t need to know why,
I don’t think it’s insane.
You can cry if you want to.

The windows are closed,
The neighbors aren’t home,
If it’s better with me than to do it alone,
I’ll draw all the curtains,
And unplug the phone
You can cry if you want to.

You can stare at the ceiling,
And tear at your hair,
Swallow your feelings,
And stagger and swear.
You can show things and throw things
And I wouldn’t care.
You can cry if you want to.

I won’t make fun of you.
I won’t tell anyone.
I won’t analyze what you do
Or you should have done.
I won’t advise you to go and have fun.
You can cry if you want to.

Well it’s empty and ugly
And terribly sad.
I can’t feel what you feel,
But I know it feels bad.
I know that it’s real
And it makes you so mad.
You can cry.

Cry if you want to,
I won’t tell you not to.
I won’t try to cheer you up.
I’ll just be here if you want me to be near you.

 

These Words brought up more emotion that I can explain …this is the response that pored out of me from this comment

 

Misty @ Life Off the D List (03:55:29) :

First of all Tara…thank you for this post

Second of all Elsa…thank you for that song, I really needed to read those words right now this very second. All my life I have been the one who has to be strong, the one who has to fix it, the one who takes care of everyone else with little care of myself in all of this I’m the mother, the friend to lean on, the mother to my mother(instead of just being a daughter)…and when i have let myself slide for even a moment i have been called everything from a victim or a liar to being told i was just attention seeking. I’m working really hard and painfully to feel some emotions that I have kept hidden behind walls and doors for more years than I would like to count.

 

Feelings are good, feelings are healthy…I am allowed to feel

 

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging

M

Monday, March 7, 2011

Just A Quickie

Ok so my post seem to have gone  MIA these past couple weeks...got in a major funk and just didnt feel like I had much to say. Also felt like I needed to put all those words into action and let my actions speak for a while....needless to say funk seems to have ended and while kicking some serious ass you may even get a new post soon :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Oh, the places you will go

In recognition of Dr. Seuss's Birthday today …Wordless Wednesday

Ok...not completly wordless, but they are not my words ;-p
 
  

 
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
 
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Peace, Love and Happy Blogging 
M
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