Saturday, March 26, 2011

10..29..24..200+..Part III

Part III….Again bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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New Years Eve 2007

Things finally seemed to be returning to normal. It Is  now 2008 and I have finished my recovery and am ready to go back to school. Two weeks before I  was scheduled to go back the man who had been there so much for me needed me to be there for him. He was hospitalized with a flair up from his chrones disease. A few days after he was released I started school back. I made it a whole week and a half before once again my whole world crashed in. My daughter had been having stomach pains I had taken her to the doctor for several times. The were finally sending her to a pediatric gastroenterologist. We were given an appointment for 2 weeks later but that next day her pain was so bad her doctor had us just take her through the emergency room so that they could do an immediate full work up on her. We sat for four hours waiting to be seen with her in pain. When they finally got us back we had to papoose and restrain her just so they could draw blood. It took three of us. This was not the worst of it. Her blood work came back showing that she had extremely elevated blood glucose. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and admitted to the hospital.

We spent four days in the hospital receiving a crash course in diabetes while they tried to regulate her sugar.  My fiancée was there for everything. He learned everything. This hurt him as much as it did me. Her father nor any of his family came to see her the entire time she was in the hospital. They only lived 20 minuets away.
Taking her home was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I literally had  her life in my hands 24 hours a day. If I messed up this could cost her her life. It was so much easier dealing with everything when I was the sick one and could just do what I had to do. This was my baby and I couldn’t fix it. This was my breaking point.

Over the next couple months while learning everything I could to take care of my child I fell into the deepest depression of my life. I had serious thoughts of suicide. I cut myself. I began shutting everyone out. They almost committed me. The only thing that was keeping me holding on was the thought of leaving my daughter alone and her being raised by her father. They finally put me on mood stabilizers in addition to the antidepressants I was already on.  This finally numbed me enough that I could deal with what was happening and adjust to our new life. This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my fiancée. During this depression in a talk with him about my feelings he told me I needed to “suck it up and just get over it”. This is when looking back I realize I shut him out completely. I am now 27.

As my depression got better things between us got better for a short time. Eleven months later I was diagnosed with diabetes as well. I had randomly decided to check my sugar and it was just over 200. I checked it a few more times over the next week and made an appointment with my doctor. Because I was 27 and overweight I was originally diagnosed with type 2 which since has been changed to type 1.

2009 was not looking good for our relationship so far. In may he was hospitalized again for his Chrones and transferred to Chapel Hill for surgery. He had 14 inches removed from his small intestine. We had lost each other to the point that when I would drive 2 hours each way every day to be with him in the hospital he felt like the only reason I did it was to get out of work, not for him, that I didn’t care for him anymore. I still desperately loved him, I just didn’t know how to show him anymore or how to communicate. I went because he was there for me and I felt I owed it to him and because I was scared to death that he would die…and I still loved him. Two months later he left. I had just turned 28.

Before he left I was so unhappy I had wanted to ask him to leave but had not worked up the nerve yet. I still had some hope that maybe we could work on things and get back to where we were. While him leaving suddenly crushed me I also felt relieved. After he left I found out he had been talking to everyone we knew, family and friends, for almost 6 months about leaving. He had not talked to me about it. He just came home one day in what I thought was just a very bad mood. I left to go to the store, came home and was in the process of telling him where I was going to put the extra drinks I had gotten him when he suddenly said “I don’t know why you got those I wont be here, I’m leaving my sister is coming to get me, I’m moving out tomorrow.” After he left and some tears I packed all of his things. Not in that throw it on the front lawn kinda way or destroy it but I neatly went through everything and had it ready. I did not want him here for hours going through everything potentially ending like the volatile, sudden, last minuet moves I had experienced with my mother growing up. I did not hate  him, I understood his wanting out. The part that hurt was the feeling of betrayal that came from him talking to everyone we knew but me and just leaving when it got hard instead of fighting for what we had.

Again I had a new normal. I adjusted. Things got better.   I started back to school again with a determination to finish this time. I had wanted to do this before but he did not want me to go back to school. After the many, many major changes I had I finally knew what I wanted to do. What kind of job I wanted. I wanted to become a certified diabetes educator. Was this going to be easy, no way. Was it going to be quick, nope. But finally I was ready. No matter how much hard work it took. My first semester back were the best my grades I had ever had…and finally I was not sick while trying to go to school. I could do this!

Part IV ….continued in next post
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

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