|My Father and Daughter the summer before he passed|
Just before my 29th birthday once again my world fell apart. My father had been in failing health for some time, he had quit working and gone on disability not quite 2 years ago and for the past year my role in his life had grown from almost nothing to a friendship and eventually also his caretaker. I cooked, cleaned, managed his medications, shopped took him to most of his doctor’s appointments, everything. He never did quit drinking so sometimes it was hard to tell if he was really sick or in need of help or if he was just drunk. He got where he could hardly walk and he was having trouble with his bowels as well. On June 6th he was found in his kitchen floor by my aunt. He had passed away sometime the night before. Alone.
I was the last person to see him. We had family vacation planned for my entire family on my fathers side, all 40+ of us. I had gone over to his house to pick him up for a meeting with everyone to talk about the trip. When I walked in I knew he was having trouble but I figured he was just drunk. I fixed his nebulizer for him, yelled at him some about his drinking telling him that “if he didn’t start taking care of himself I was going to come in there one day and find him dead in the floor”. I stormed out of the house after yelling at him and left. I was so overwhelmed taking care of him I just couldn’t do it that day, I remember thinking if he needs help he has a phone he can call and ask for it. I didn’t know he wouldn’t be able to. I got to the family gathering and talked to my Aunts about this, one of which agreed to go check on him after church the next day. She found him. I turned 29 a week later.
I had to sign my second death certificate and had now lost both my parents. As soon as I had finally gotten relationships with them both I had lost them. I was pissed off and scared. My father’s death has been so much harder to deal with than that of my Mother or my Grandmother because even though he was in very bad health there was no time before hand where I knew for sure it was coming and could prepare myself. It was not fair. My head knows that it was coming anyways and more than likely even if I had been there there was nothing I could have done. My heart doesn't. My heart says why didn’t you call an ambulance at least he wouldn’t have been alone. My heart remembers that look on his face and the last words of me yelling at him. My head knows that he knew it was out of love and wanting him to take care of himself. My heart hurts.
Since his death I have had up’s and downs this last year. October what extremely hard. October is when my Grandmother passed, His birthday is as well as my Mother’s birthday. The holidays came after that which actually helped because I got to have more time around everyone. School started back but I felt as the stress of the semester increased the anxiety and depression creeping back. I had to attend 3 sessions with a grad student in psychology for one of my classes which instead of helping seemed to open a flood gate. I was this person’s first patient ever. The first session went good but it took me a couple days to recover from. This continued with each session and by the third session I was not only experiencing after effects but also anxiety days before. These were weekly sessions so this was leaving me with only a couple days not a complete mess. I decided that it was best for me to end these sessions and maybe revisit the idea of therapy when I was not in the middle of a semester.
This helped for a couple weeks. The stress of school was not helping but I cant just not go. I have gotten back to the point where my depression some days is scary and my anxiety is through the roof. I am not sleeping. While I am not to the point of considering suicide again I can see glimpses of that dark place I ended up three years ago and I do NOT want to go there again. I have surpassed the 200 mark in my weight loss journey again and gained back almost half of what I have lost. I made an appointment with a new practice that can provide me with therapy as well as help me if I needed to go on medications again(which I was pretty sure I did at this point). Within a few hours of making this appointment, just having ask for help I felt a sense of relief.
conclusion…Today…continued in next post
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging