Saturday, March 26, 2011

10..29..24..200+… Part II

Part II…Again bare with me I’m not sure where this is going and I can be quite long winded, no memorable quotes today just raw emotion….

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My Daughter and I

The feeling of peace that came with my new apartment I moved into with my daughter was the best feeling in the world! The next couple years were some of the best of my life so far. I got to have friends again. I got to go out and enjoy myself. During this time he was trying to impress his new girlfriend with how great of a Dad he was so my daughter went to his house most weekends, although it turns out it was primarily his mother and said new girlfriend who were actually caring for her. I let her go in hopes still yet that he might become the father I would want for her. These 2 years were the calmest of my life. My relationship continued to grow with my mother. By the time she passed away after surviving and fighting cancer for 7 years we had one of the best relationships I could have ever hoped for. As odd as it sounds her cancer was a gift. Had she not gotten sick she may have never started working on healing herself and in return healing our relationship. Her cancer is bittersweet because ultimately It is what took her from me, but it is also what gave her back to me. I had just turned 23.

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Some of the best Friends in the world

By this point I had gained some of the greatest friends I could ask for. My friends were my family, they were the sisters I never had. They are the reason I survived this loss. The depression had come back and with it I had a new friend, anxiety. I found out about my mothers death while I was at work and the first day I tried to go back I broke out in hives and had a panic attack.

Things eventually returned back to normal or a new normal anyways. I had a new job that I loved and in the beginning had amazing pay. I could live quite comfortably in my little 2 bedroom apartment, take care of my daughter and afford to do just about anything I wanted living off of just over three grand a month. (man I miss those paychecks) This didn’t last long, the paychecks dwindled and the company was quickly going under. I decided to go back to school and began working part time and eventually became a full time student. This was not my first go attempting college. I also did not realize but this is also when I started getting sick but we will come back to that in a bit.

Shortly after this I met a man that scared the hell out of me(but in a good way). We began talking and I tried not to like him and just think of him as a friend. I was not looking for a serious relationship and felt I did not have time for one with school and my daughter. I couldn’t not not talk to him and finally gave in resisting myself and began a relationship with him. He was everything I could have ask for then. He was a hard worker, he didn’t mind that I had a child and was understanding about her father, he loved me unconditionally and wanted to take care of me. Imagine that someone who actually wanted to care for me and not just me caring for them. Poor fella didn’t know what he had gotten himself into, and at this point neither did I. I was 25.

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Me and my X

We fell deeply, madly in love. While I don’t think I truly loved my ex-husband, this man I know I loved. This is when my life was forever changed. Just after we had reached the I love you stage life came crashing in and I got sick. I was having this unexplainable pain …allot. I was exhausted all the time. I went to the doctor several times with no conclusive answers so finally they began running test that still didn’t show much else other than hypothyroidism. My primary care physician thought that I probably had endometriosis but there was not way to confirm that without surgery.

These problems had actually started long before this but endometriosis is a very sneaky little disease. I had problems after my daughter was born but they had settled down eventually after trying about every birth control on the market. A year before I had pain that they thought was my body rejecting an IUD that was not even a year old(they are made to last 5-10 years depending on what kind). After removing the IUD things were better for a while until the late fall of 2006 when the problems intensified again. It was more than just pain, I was fatigued all the time, I had insomnia, my stomach was always upset, test showed that I was in premature ovarian failure. I was seeing 4 doctors and up to 11 medications that I was on daily not including pain med’s by spring of 2007. My gynecologist agreed to a laparoscopy to confirm endometriosis and if necessary remove any endo and adhesions he found. After surgery I was told I did have endo and that I had so many adhesions that it looked like a spider web behind my uterus.  This was 2 weeks after my 26th birthday.

For about a month after my surgery I felt 1,000 better but quickly started feeling pain and symptoms again. This was not right, I should not be feelign like this. I was having migraines during this time so severe that I ended up several times in the emergency room. Within four months my pain had returned and intensified so much that I literally had trouble walking some days. I was living on pain pills most days. Because of my parents problems with addiction I had an aunt question the reality and severity of my pain and If I was becoming addicted to the medications. This was not the case. It came to the point where my only options were to either try this extremely dangerous and expensive drug injection or to have a hysterectomy.  I was already on a milder version in pill form that was not working and making me very sick at the same time. I decided that the risks involved with the injected version of this medication were not worth it and made the decision to have a total hysterectomy. My surgery was scheduled for November 8, 2007. I was 26.

My surgery was much more extensive than expected. Everything that was removed in June and more had grown back despite being on medications that should have prevented or slowed down this growth. I was in the hospital for 4 days and given a 12 week recovery time. During this time my depression came back as well. My hormones were all over the place after being thrown into surgical menopause. But still during all of this my fiancée stayed, he took care of me, of my daughter…I could not have ask more of him. For this I will be forever grateful. During this time I ask him more than once why he was still there. I could not understand it, it was to much for me and I wanted not to have to deal with it and he could choose not to. I waited for him to decide it was to much and leave but he never did.

Part III can be found in the next post….
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M

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