This week's Flashback Saturday is something I strongly believe in and fell is fundamental to this journey. Enjoy :)
April 3, 2011
Photo CreditWithdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you will begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own.Gay & Katie Hendricks Quotes from Conscious Loving
After last weeks emotional baggage dump things were still up and down. Those 5 hours of writing were a tremendous help and obviously needed. However I still have a long way to go. Wednesday I had my appointment with the physicians assistant to discuss the possibility of my going back on medication. Again I’ll say that medication is not an easy fix and should not be your first option, but can be very helpful in combination with therapy. We (my therapist, the PA and myself) decided it would be a good idea for me to do med’s again for a while. It may be placebo effect but I feel like they are helping some already, we shall see how my next therapy session goes Friday.
When I made the decision a couple weeks ago to start seeing a therapist again I also decided that for now I was not going to worry about what I ate or how much I worked out. I needed to take care of the emotional me right now. I was kind of worried about doing this because I had defiantly been doing some emotional eating and feeling quite guilty about it. I had also left the 190’s and surpassed the dreaded 200 mark again. I know I had gotten to at least 204.6 that was the last time I weighed. I suspect maybe even as high as 206ish. While this may not be the best idea for everyone it was what I needed. What I discovered this morning after 2 weeks of not counting, worrying or tracking what I ate was a complete shock. I lost 5 pounds! I was sitting right at 200.0 lbs. While no where near where I want to be it was not the massive gain I anticipated. I did realize when I stopped focusing so much on what was going in my mouth and feeling guilty about it and worried more about taking care of the emotional me…the emotional eating subsided. My blood sugars have also been a lot better. Was I eating 100% healthy or “perfect” …no, but I was not over eating. If I was hungry, I ate. If it was for something not so good for me, I ate it.
While I know that just eating whatever I want long term will not work or eating a bunch of junk…letting go of the guilt took the power out of the food for now. I do believe it is about quality foods ultimately this is what I needed right now. Heck I think I may even go to the gym this afternoon for the first time in a couple weeks.
The last time I went to the gym I went kicking and screaming (in my head anyways). I didn’t even do a full 20 minuets on the elliptical when I said f*ck it and quit. I feel like I am ready to go back now.
For now I am going to continue do my version of mindful eating but focus a bit more on quality foods. I also want to get back in the gym this week. Im going to plan 2 days and go more if I feel like it. It is a busy week with school and I don’t want to over plan. I have a Chem test, a project due, a blood drive and also my daughter has an appointment with her CDE and of course my therapy appointment Friday.
This journey is not just a physical one but also an emotional one as well. Make sure you take care of both sides of that coin.
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging