Lately I feel like I am fighting against everything that is good for me. I know that these things will make me succeed and make me feel better as a whole, but yet I still resist. While not as bad as last year this time and most certainly not as bad as this spring I am feeling the funk that is October for me. I hate this, October used to be my favorite month. Now it is just a reminder of what I don’t have, you see October is when I lost my grandmother but also when both my Parents birthdays are. It’s also about the time that the stress of school really seems to set in for fall semester. I feel like all I do or want to do lately is have a case of the oh poor me’s and sit on my pity pot.
Am I doing everything I need to to take care of me, nope. I think the biggest thing is I'm not writing. For me this keeps me accountable. Even when I’m supper busy I still need to make time for this. The more I write and get things out of my head the easier it is to keep the depression monster at bay. While I have made lot’s of progress from where I was six months ago I still have to fight against the darkness that is Major Depressive Disorder. Lately I feel old habits creeping back in, I feel myself withdrawing within myself. I will NOT accept this withdrawal this go round. I’m fighting back with a vengeance. As September came to a close and the stress of school pilled up I felt the change start. The difference is now I recognize it and can choose to do something about it. Depression for me plays a big part in this journey, this is why I so firmly believe in treating both sides of the coin. This is not just about the physical side but also the mental or emotional side. There is a reason we are the way we are, something happened to make us this way. The challenge is in figuring out what that was and overcoming it. I can’t say I have gotten it completely figured out but I’m working on it. For many our weight is not just because we ate to much, it is our shield. If I’m fat xyz cant hurt me. If I’m hurting food can make me feel better. Really though it’s just an excuse to hide and not deal with problems. For me, it’s time to deal.
Lately I find myself missing being someone’s someone. I miss having someone to come home to, to share my day with. I miss the little daily things like fixing dinner or going to the store. I miss sharing my hopes, dreams and fears. It’s not so much a dating thing but just a personal contact thing, yes I would like to have someone to spend my life with but this is more about contact period. Between where I live and my schedule I often find myself feeling very secluded. While I have lots of family around they all stay very busy as well and I don’t get the chance speak to them, much less see them. While I have some awesome friends most live thirty minuets to hours away, to states away. I miss being a wife, a daughter, a friend. While I think It would help tremendously to move closer to friends or even just back in town period (instead of living in the sticks…aka the middle of nowhere in the country) Due to the fact that I’m still in school this is not something that can change anytime soon. I have to learn to reach out when I need to.
It’s time to get off my ass, stop resisting arrest and do what I need to do to take care of me. What dos this mean? Well it means I need to make sure I get enough sleep, eat right, get some exercise in, make sure I have adequate study time as well as fun time. This means planning. This means putting me first and remembering that its ok to do that! This means using my time wisely and not procrastinating ( which I am the queen of). It’s time to fight for me and what I need, even if it means I’m fighting with myself. It’s time to remember I deserve this and I’m worth it. It’s time to remember I CAN do this!
What keeps you going? What do you need to do to take care of you? Do you ever put you first?
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging