"Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on"
Wow..Just looked to see when i last blogged and it was October 13th, it wasnt even a full blog it was a mobile update. October was a hard month for me, normally its my favorite month but this year it just felt like a ton of bricks weighted down on my shoulders.
This year I went as Elphaba from Wicked (aka the Wicked witch)
First let me tell you why I have always loved October...To me October = Fall, which means cooling down, beautiful colors in the tree's and that wonderful fall smell. It also means Halloween which I also Love, Its one of my Favorite Holidays because it was also my Mothers birthday so we always did something extra fun on that day besides just the normal trick or treating. Fall period has always been my favorite time of year, I often find myself just driving down the road in fall marveling at how beautiful the world is from all the color's, enjoying the crisp air and that fall smell. (all of which give me terrible allergies but I still cant help but love)
This year however October also came with a lot of sad memories, some of which I have come to better terms with than others and some that are still so fresh I'm just not quite there yet. October is also my Father's birthday just a week before my Mothers. My Mother passed away 6 years ago and my Father just passed this past June a week shy of my birthday. October is also the month that my Grandmother lost her battle to cancer 8 years ago. My Grandmother pretty much raised me but the last few years of my Mothers life we got the chance to build one of the best relationships a Mother and Daughter could ever have. The same thing happened with my Father, most of my life he was not there for me and we did not have much of a relationship, but these past few years that has changed. I moved closer to him (actually about 5 minuets from his house) and started seeing him on an almost daily to weekly basis. We worked through allot of the issues we had from when I was growing up and in the last year of his life I basically was a home health care provider for him. I cooked, cleaned, took him to almost all his appointments, paid his bills, kept up with his medications and made sure he took them, did his shopping, everything. Although in failing health his death was very sudden and unexpected as the result of a fall. My head knows that even if I had been there there was likely nothing I could have done but my heart is still having a hard time dealing with this. So yea October was not my favorite month this year and I kinda went into auto pilot these past couple weeks.
This is my coping mechanism, has been forever it seems...BUT I am a work in progress these days so It was not the complete shut down that I have been known to do in the past. Progress is progress right. The difference this time was that I acknowledged it and allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel. Yes, I sought comfort in food, but it was not a complete full out binge every day. I had days where I consciously made the decision that I was going to eat something to feel better realizing that was what I was doing and for that moment being ok with it. Yes I completely flaked on hot dates with Gym. The difference was in knowing what I was doing and making those choices knowing that it was not a complete fail or set back. It was what I needed to do at the time and that was ok. The difference was instead of gaining ten or twenty pounds dealing with everything while I did not loose any weight I also did not gain any. I just hung out where I was and I'm ok with that. The difference is im not taking months to come out of this funk!
I did however during all this keep my commitment to do the JDRF walk on the 23ed. I have to say it was an amazing experience, there were soooo many people! Together with my daughter, her nurse from last school year joined us in our walk almost reaching our fund raising goal. I set our goal at $500 when I decided to do this walk just over a month before the walk date and we reached about 85% of that goal. I say not bad for just a few weeks. The walk was the day before my Dad's birthday so in a way it felt like I was walking for him as well.
Had a blast also making our team shirts!
don't ya love our angel wings! Team Taylor's Hope!
I did not however keep my commitment to do the virtual pink run. Saturday I had a migraine all day and did nothing and Sunday morning I spent studying and then the rest of the day we got ready for Halloween night so we could get our Trick or Treat on. I feel guilty not doing the virtual run but well ..sh!t happens. I seriously considered either not mentioning it or...pretending I did it...does trick or treating count, that was about 2 miles or so (lol) . That's not being accountable though is it? More like making an excuse instead of just saying you know what I didn't do it and life will go on.
Me and my little vampire princess
So...for a bit of an update...while I haven't reached a new number on the scale, I have noticed a big difference in my clothes. My jeans are actually fitting and comfortable right out of the dryer, however it is seriously time to do some new undies shopping, most of the ones I have now I feel like I am swimming in..haha! I am also down to the end of the semester at school and have added 2 tutoring sessions to my already full schedule which will make free time for hot dates with Gym a bit more challenging..but still not impossible. Right now im just working on getting back on track and back to keeping track of everything while trying not to loose my sanity these last few weeks of the semester.
Current weight: 194.4 lbs
Loss: since my last weigh in on here yes but really its a wash
Total Loss: 30 lbs
Emotion: in check
So for my 5 loyal readers, sorry if you felt I abandon ship, please stay tuned for your regularly scheduled blogging ..and remember...
"You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction.