CAUTION

“Bad choices yesterday.

Do not control what I do today.

Only I control what I do today.”

Tara, 263 and counting

This morning when I took my blog stroll and got to 263 and counting it really hit home. Tara talked about how this Journey should come with a warning label and how much this is an emotional journey as well as a physical one. While I am not at the same place as her trying to tackle maintenance I am in a very familiar place for me, the 190’s. The 190’s for me are like and old friend that is familiar and you don’t really like that much but for whatever reason you keep them around.  I have camped out here way to many times. Life seems to change when I go lower than that and I feel extra like shit when im over that range. I know its just the outside that is different but I still have to deal with the inside who has used all these layers of protection for far to long. Emotional…you betcha! Scary, yep…which for someone who hasn't been there makes no sense at all why in the world would loosing weight be scary?

Here is the deal for me why it is scary… When I go below this range life for me seems to change, I can do more, I get ask out on dates more, my confidence goes up. For whatever reason when I look back over the last 15 years when I have been below this major things have happened in my life, mostly relationship wise. Yes doing more, getting ask out more and better confidence are all good things but sometimes the results of those are scary or intimidating.  When I don’t  have all those extra pounds to hide behind I have to deal with me and letting people in to see the real me. The fat cant be an excuse, The walls of protection are a lot thinner. Yes, these walls need to come down but with that also comes the fear of getting hurt or failure.

We all have reasons we got where we are, no one just says one day “Oh I think ill gain some weight just for fun”. Something got us here…comfort foods, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, laziness..the list goes on. Its not the same for everyone why we are where we are but a the same time it is. That is why this journey has to be an emotional one not just a physical one. If we just  treat the outside and don’t deal with the inside even if we do reach our physical goals all the screwed up stuff on the inside will still be there. Not working on all that inside stuff I can guarantee you will land you right back where you started on the outside, if not worse.

My weight for me has been one way I keep people out or distance them, men in particular. I may say “well they should love me for who I am, no matter my weight” and put on a good front of loving myself but in reality when you dig through all the layers and walls that’s just what it is… a front. If you know me at all in real life I can put up a GREAT front! I am amazing at acting like everything is fine. That also is another defense mechanism. If I act like everything is fine and that im happy no one will know the reality right?

263 and counting Warning label

My point in all this ramble is deal with the inside and it will get you to your outside goals too. I am a constant work in progress my insides are a lot better than they were a few days weeks years ago. I am more comfortable with the inside me today than I have been in a long time but there is still much work to be done on both the outside and the inside in this Life Changing Journey.

Peace, Love and Happy Blogging
M