|Fork and Key Necklace I got for Christmas :)|
Lately I feel like I am a walking impasse, stuck at a fork in the road, not able to pick a direction. I find myself searching for the secret key that will unlock the future. Part of me is so tired of fighting so hard for everything that is this journey. Part of me knows I am fully capable of getting out there and kicking some serious ass. Sometimes I wonder if success actually scares me, I fear what will lie down that road. I desperately miss having my Parents and Grandmother to talk to and cheer me on. These past 4 weeks have been hell with this class I'm taking at school. There has been very little time to do the things that I need to do to take care of me…and its showing.
This 5 week biology class that is normally a 20 week class was not my brightest idea. The stress it has caused was not well timed with the events that come in June. The first two weeks in June for me are a bundle of emotions. Last year my father was found dead in his home on June 6th. He had fallen and hit his head but we are unsure if it was the blunt force trauma that caused his death or if he had a heart attack and that is really what caused his fall. I was the last person to see him the evening before most likely just before or within a few hours of this happening. I spent the days leading up to my birthday last year planning his funeral and burying my Father. My birthday came and went, I thankfully had an awesome friend who tried to take my mind off things and took me to see Wicked, the musical. Fathers day came and went as well. June will never be the same.
Fast forward to this year and all my emotional issues that this brought on. While I keep going and doing what I need to do, I am still struggling a great deal. At times my life feels exhausting, the stress of this class has not helped this feeling. With the time constraints it has added along with my daughter now being out of school I have almost no “me” time. I have all but quit doing what I need to do to take care of me. I haven't been to the gym or worked even a hand full of times. I have not been writing or posting. My eating has gone to shit. I want to quit.
I feel myself standing at a fork in the road desperately wanting to take the path where I say f*** it, who cares what I eat, who cares if I work out, who cares if I drink no water and only soda. I find myself thinking what does it matter if I gain all the weight back, who cares if I gain even more back. The problem with all this thinking is there is still (thank God) a little voice in there coming from deep down inside that says “I care”. So while im most certainly not at my best, I have not given up. I will wrangle this beast called life, and I will WIN!
I have done a lot of thinking lately about why every time I seem to start getting somewhere with my weight loss I end up finding myself at a standstill. I have come to the conclusion that there are some deep emotional things that must be reckoned with before I will see much more progress physically. The emotional side of things is for me often harder to deal with than the physical. The emotional has the power to stop me dead in my tracks if I let it. While I have been doing some serious work on this these last couple months, it too has taken a back seat to this class. I thank god I only have a week left and pray I get the grade I need. If you have never dealt with depression or anxiety it may be hard for you to understand how truly crippling it can be. Some days it takes everything you have to just do anything at all. It is a constant battle to dig yourself out and keep yourself out of that dark hole. It can be done though, I’m doing it. Shovel full by shovel full, I keep digging one day at a time, filling that hole up.
Peace, Love and Happy Blogging